Peter lay in the prison cell. His crucifixion was imminent. If he did not offer a sacrifice to the Emperor he was to die. Yet his mind was in his past. Remembering the hard life he had on the shores. His resentment at his brother, Andrew, becoming a disciple of John the Baptist. ‘Leaving all the man’s work to me!’ He thought rebelliously.
As a good, God fearing Jew he knew his Torah. And had hope that one day a Messiah would come, and like King David. Would murder all his enemies and put them in their rightful place; as tribute paying, respectful underdogs to the Jewish people. The whole world would bow, and he and his would be finally top of the pile.
No longer living in fear of the Romans, forced to bow low to them. How the Romans acted towards them! Mistreating them. Selling them into slavery if they could not pay taxes. Raping their women. Crucifying them. Taking their money to pay for the decadent life of the Emperor and his sycophants. Having them dare to profane the holy places. Crushing them. Oh how he wished the Messiah that was promised would come! And rid them of tyranny forever!
Instead he was stuck in a boat, fishing for a living! His wife and many children to support. And taxes to pay……taxes! Always taxes! ‘A pizz on the tax man!’ Thought Peter as he touched his mouth with two fingers in the familiar curse and spat on the ground,
‘Peter! No time for dawdling!’ His father shouted, ‘Get the nets in the boat!’ Peter stomped off more depressed than ever. His mother-in-law was ill, his father aging, and he was stuck in a dead end job….Peter!…Peter! PETER! He heard his name, rolled his eyes and sighed deep in his chest. Not again! His brother Andrew was running towards him shouting. ‘Lord! Save me from the priest!’ He muttered. He was so fed up of Andrew coming up with wise sayings from John, as if the Messiah was imminent! And giving what, and here he cringed, was his ‘God smile,’ as he announced more ‘Foolish nonsense!’ Snapped Peter in his thoughts. Ignoring Andrew and turned toward the beach.
‘PETER!’ Andrew ran up out of breath, his face beaming. ‘What!’ Said Peter crossly. ‘Decided to come back and help fish?’ He added sarcastically. The beam unsettled him somewhat……
‘We. Found. Him!’ said Andrew talking in short gasps, the breathing totally broken by his run. ‘Found who? Elijah? Jeremiah? Ezekiel? Be more helpful if you found Jonah!’ Snapped Peter.
The next words felt like a punch in his gut, and they stopped him in his tracks. ‘The Messiah! The one Torah wrote about! We FOUND Him!’ Look! He is coming to meet you!’
Unnoticed walking behind him was a man. Not like King David at all! At least, not King looking in fact. He looked so ordinary, Peter would have passed him like the crowds in the market. Unnoticed.
He had longish very dark hair. Very curly. A hawk of a nose (here Peter smiled in his reminiscence) a medium mouth with lips that slightly pouted and brown eyes with long lashes. Thick set and stocky he was even shorter than Peter. But it was his eyes that haunted Peter right from the start.
They seemed to look inside you. To see everything you were desperately trying to hide. Which, in Peter at least, was arrogance, fear, treachery and huge insecurity. But. And here Peter puckered his brow, the eyes did not condemn! Instead, he found himself held, in something. He felt around and finally found the word. It was unfamiliar and, quite frankly, terrifying. It was love. He was held, in those deep dark places, in love. Deep, high, wide, powerful love.
But that kind of love was too much. And Peter could not, would not, look into Jesus eyes after that first glance. Jesus however had other plans. ‘You are Simon. You will be called Petrus. Peter. On this rock I will build my church and the gates of hell will not prevail against it.
‘Me? How can I be a rock?’ Peter thought to himself and laughed somewhat nervously. ‘Come Peter. Follow Me.’ The words were spoken quietly. Yet Peter felt as if the universe shook. Here was the Messiah! Asking him to follow! How much more satisfying than just the Baptist! He thought with a self satisfied grin. And chucked the nets to the ground.
Over the next few years it became obvious that Peter, with James and John, were the inner circle. Which fed Peter’s ego. Jesus always gave him important assignments and he felt as if he was Jesus personal bodyguard.
‘Move away from the Master!’ ‘Move aside now! No children!’ He would say irritably. He could never understand why Jesus liked children. Nasty, smelly things! Always saying rubbish! He watched astonished as Jesus healed and fed thousands. How even the demons obeyed him. He saw with anxiety how Jesus seemed to upset the priests, especially the Pharisees and Sadducee’s. But the more he saw the more he was convinced that this here Jesus was who he claimed to be. The rescuer and Messiah of the Jews.
Yet. Often Jesus said and did things Peter just did not understand. Things never quite made sense. But other things happened that let these doubts and puzzlements slide by.
He went himself, on the orders of Jesus and healed sick, cast out demons and preached the ‘good news.’ And his ego grew. He was inner circle! He had the power of God at his command! And had the ear of Jesus Himself!
It was true at times the other disciples teased him and irritated him. Often James and John would suggest he get out the boat as he was the rock it was sinking it……
Nathaniel would tease and say he was sinking the conversation. Judas would say which stone was it again? Picking up small pebbles are hiding them in Peter’s pockets and sandals in the morning. Peter would sniff at them. Jesus would laugh. Which made him rather cross.
One day, about three years in, there was a squabble and many disciples stopped following Jesus. Jesus said to the disciples left, ‘Who do you say I am?’ Peter opened his mouth to drone the phrase, ‘Messiah,’ and what came out surprised and puzzled him ever after. ‘You are Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God.’ Jesus answered and it sounded like thunder.
‘Flesh and blood did not reveal this to you, Simon son of Jonah. But the very Father God Himself. Blessed are you! On this rock I will build my church and the gates of hell will not prevail against it.’
Peter felt puffed! No doubt about it. He had uttered the words of God Himself! The seal of approval made him glow with pride. Even Judas whispering, ‘Ahhhhh the stone speaketh!’ And John nudging him with ‘He is the Commander Stone!’ Did not put a dent in his pride.
The arrogance in his head filled him even more. Imagining people coming to the Master and the Master saying, ‘Talk to Peter. He will tell you….’ He came out of his bubble on hearing the words ‘to die……..and I must go up to Jerusalem to die…be put to death….’
Peter felt as if cold water struck him. ‘What nonsense was this?’ His shocked mind could not even compute the thought properly. Whatever it was, Jesus was speaking rubbish. Die? The Messiah? Not on Peter’s watch! Pompously he called Jesus slightly to the side. He must be hungry! They had not yet eaten! Determined to do his part Peter spoke quite loudly. ‘Master! Die? Most certainly not! You must stay here until…….’ He got no further. For the words spoken made him shrivel and shrink. ‘Get behind Me Satan!’ It was a command. Said quietly, but to Peter, it was as if the whole world was shaking from those words.
The disciples were silent. He could not look at the disciples, he felt so small. His ego was flat. Like a pumped up tire that has run over a nail. Being called Satan! Not even, ‘Don’t listen to Satan.’ But Satan himself! What on earth did Jesus mean? Was he possessed? How could he be Satan?!
Over the next days Peter was subdued and quiet. He could not figure out what Jesus had meant, yet he was terrified to ask. Over the weeks being still included as one of the three, the feeling of inferiority faded somewhat. And his confidence returned.
Yet inside him, the cracks of certain hidden behaviours cracked still more.
Jesus called the three and bade the rest wait whilst he took them to a high mountain. He was transfigured before them, in light so bright it left them reeling. Whilst He was there Elijah and Moses came down and talked to him about his exodus. Peter was stunned. Seeing Jesus shine undid him. Who was this man? And seeing the prophets shocked him. His mind could not comprehend what he was seeing. ‘Master, it’s good this happen! Let us build shelters one for each of you!’ He could have bitten his tongue out in embarrassment as soon as he said it. But he did not know wht he was saying. He was terrified.
Even as he finished speaking, a cloud covered Jesus and a voice said, ‘This is My Son. Listen to Him.’ Peter felt as if he had fallen in deep dark water. He could not move. He felt like stone. A gentle touch brought him back to consciousness. He saw Jesus was his normal self again, and walked back down the mountain with him, James and John.
What did it all mean? He was sure Jesus was the Messiah now! He would come and free them from the Romans! And Peter would be his first man! ‘Top of the pile all the way!’ Finally! The Romans put down and he raised up. ‘With many a score to settle!’ He thought his heavy dark brows knitting together, remembering many Roman remarks and boots.
Jesus said he planned to go to the Passover, and Peter was sure the time was near. He felt elation when Jesus rode on the donkey into Jerusalem (though he did not understand why it was not a stallion. But then, Jesus was always weird….the cracks in Peter jagged longer and deeper) and the crowds cried out ‘Hosanna! Hosanna! Blessed be He who comes in the name of the Lord.’
Peter felt proud to walk by Jesus side. Keeping the crowd aside from his master, and generally being top body guard. With the occasional blip. The blind men crying out irritated him. He was in a hurry to get Jesus to begin the take over! Yet Jesus insisted on stopping and healing them. He curbed his irritation and went on ahead to check the meal was prepared as Jesus has asked.
The room was quiet and cool. The table rough but loaded with wine and bread. The disciples, hungry after the long walk did the minimum law observance, quickly pouring water over hands and sitting down to eat. (One learned with Jesus eating was often done on the hoof as he did not seem to concerned with meal times, much to Peter’s consternation)
But Jesus did not sit down. Instead he took off his outer garments and got a bowl of water, and, kneeling down began to wash Matthew’s feet. Peter, a piece of bread half way into his mouth stopped in amazement! What on earth was Jesus doing?! How dare Matthew let him! He was the Messiah! KING! Messiahs did not act like that! Soon to rule! How dare he wash f.e.e.t!
To his shock he saw disciple after disciple let Jesus wash his feet! Peter bristled up inside. He did not dare speak. He had been slow to say things aloud after the Satan incident. But he most certainly thought things! His pomp nearly lifted him out of his chair as Jesus dared to stop in front of him. ‘Me?’ He spluttered, ‘ME? Never Lord, shall you wash my feet!’ He looked pompously at the other disciples in disgust. ‘If I do not wash your feet Peter, you will no longer be my disciple.’ Again the words were spoken quietly. And again Peter felt metaphoric sand beneath his feet slipping away. And felt as if he had fallen on his face. Which was very red. Could he ever be trusted to say the right thing? Do the right thing? A lump, painfully formed in his throat and tears filled his eyes.
Not again! Why did he always seem to put his foot in it! ‘Master! He answered in a panic, don’t just wash my feet! Wash all of me too!’ Jesus looked at him kindly, and with something else. Peter could see a gleam of humour in his dark eyes. ‘You are already clean, so you only need to have your feet washed!’ And suddenly he grinned at Peter. His whole face lighting up with affection. Peter felt his flattened ego disappear and the same grin, of plain friendship crossed his face in response. Love covered him like a glove. And, for 5 minutes at least, Peter allowed himself to bask in it. It did not last long.
Jesus began to talk about being betrayed. And Peter’s deep distrust of himself forced him to voice his fears. ‘Is it me Lord?’ Jesus did not answer. The jags inside Peter shook and widened. He felt the horror in the pit of his stomach. Surely Jesus was not suggesting he would betray the Master? So Peter took a deep breath and asked John, who he knew would get an answer. ‘Ask him! Who is he talking about!’
Still Jesus answer was vague. Something about a sop, which Judas took, then went (Peter assumed) to give money to the poor. Peter got very anxious. Jesus was saying such strange things! None of them made sense. There was no plan to storm Pilates palace, or the Roman guard. Just talk about ‘Father’ and ‘Father and I and you…..’
Peter did not understand and it made him more afraid, nervous and anxious. Finally Jesus left with them all to go for a walk in his favourite garden of Gethsemane. He made Peter bring two swords! Great! The attack was starting! Yet. Once in the garden things got strange. No advancement or plans. No strategy. Nothing. And Jesus behaviour, at least to Peter, was even more bizarre than usual. Taking the three ahead, He asked them to stay awake whilst he prayed! What on earth did they need to stay awake for? It was not as if they were praying! Peter yawned.
‘Can’t you keep awake for just one hour?’ He felt Jesus shake him. So he sat up and rubbed his eyes. But he had been up so early to sort out the Passover meal. He felt his eyes close and he drifted off. Only to have Jesus do it a second time, with more urgency. Peter tried really hard this time. He pinched himself, tried to breathe in deep gulps of cool air, but….but…..his thoughts would not stay in order and he felt himself slide…….
‘Peter, Peter!’ This time Jesus looked awful his face was running with sweat, his eyes wide with deep upset and trouble. ‘Whaaat?’ Peter half jumped up expecting Romans from the look on Jesus face. But no! The same command was given. Peter managed for a while. He could hear Jesus moaning softly and crying. But then, Jesus often cried! And often moaned alone! So Peter drifted again.
He heard Jesus voice a fourth time, urgent and insistent. ‘Come, we must go now! They are coming.’
He saw Judas with the high priest. This was it! He must start something! He must make Jesus start the advance and act! He jumped up and drew the sword Jesus had asked him to bring. Leaping forward he sliced off the servant Malcus ear. (He would let Jesus be the first one to hit a soldier he thought…….) ‘NO!’ The rebuke felt like a hard slap around his face. ‘Peter! Put your sword in its place! Those who use the sword die by it!’ Peter never forgot the way those words were said, nor the sting they came with. And Jesus immediately healed Malcus ear.
Sitting in his cell Peter stopped in his memories and sat shocked as the revelation hit him, finally like a tonne of bricks……He knew now why Jesus had asked him to bring his sword. He was so thick skinned! So hard hearted and of one vision. So determined to use violence as the solution. Jesus had had to show him via a practical parable that violence was not the way! The cross and submission to it was the way. Peter felt heavy tears falling down his face. Tears of relief, repentance and freedom. ‘Lord I am so sorry! How wrong I have been! Now I see! It’s laying down my life isn’t it? It’s into your hands I commit myself! Not into my own hands!’ Finally. In his heart Peter felt a peace that has been never constant flood him……and again his memory went back to the past.
Tired, anxious and now shocked at the rebuke Peter stood stunned as he saw the priests tying up Jesus hands and heard him say ‘Let these go!’ He lost the plot and he ran. Into the darkness. The cracks in him split open.
Where could he go? The only place his confused and frighted brain could think of was the Passover dinner. So he went there. And found all the disciples there. John was saying he was going to see the high priest. To get to Jesus. ‘Let me come!’ Peter’s eyes were wild. And John nodded wordlessly and went out into the night.
John knew the priests family well. And was given immediate and friendly access and disappeared into the garden. Peter was stopped at the gate, ‘You! Are not you one of his disciples?’ ‘Me? No. Not me!’ Peter said and walked quickly through the held open gate. Another servant walking past him said ‘Hey! Are you not one of Jesus followers? Wasn’t it you who cut off poor Malcus ear?’ Peter saw the Roman soldiers warming themselves by the brazier. And answered without a second thought. ‘Nope!’ He laughed ‘Never! Not me!’ And walked over to warm himself. For a while he stood in his own thoughts. He was so confused. He did not know what to think.
How could Jesus be the Messiah? How could the prophecy to bring his people out of bondage happen without a sword?
‘You! I am sure you were one of the ones who followed that man.’ ‘No! I never knew him! He was a daft fellow!’ And Peter added oaths to prove he was not. At that moment the cock crowed three times. Peter’s brain froze in horror. He remembered the words of Jesus a few days before. On swearing his eternal allegiance. On vehemently saying ‘Even though they desert you, I will not!’, Jesus had looked at him and said, ‘No. you will soon deny three times to even knew me.’ Peter asserted how this was not true! ‘Always and forever.’ he said. Yet Jesus carried on as if he had not even spoken. ‘Satan has desired to sift you like wheat. I have prayed you will prevail. Once this is over, go. Comfort your brothers.’
Peter pushed past the servants and went out of the garden. Big sobs finally escaping from him. He went out into the trees and fell against one. Weeping. How could he? What had he done? Tears tricked through his fingers. His brain whirled. Somehow he knew Jesus must be truthful. But nothing made sense. It had never made sense. And he had just fulfilled what Jesus said. All his words, all his promises were shown for what they were. He was a traitor. He had not only never understood, all his fears came to the surface. His shallowness, insecurities, arrogance and fear were shown to him in the starkest of light. He was no more than a liar. A fake.
Yet the words ‘Once it’s over,’ strengthened him. A fake he maybe. But Jesus had trusted him, Jesus had believed in him. And he found deep inside himself more than the fake. He found a glimmer of the real. The others! They needed comfort, help. They needed him. He got up and began to stagger to the Passover house.
Even after seeing Jesus raised from the dead. Eating with him by the charcoal. Being told by Jesus that he, Peter was to be crucified! After the conversation about John, being told ‘What of him, you follow me.’ None of it made sense. Only after the road to Emmaus did the bits of the puzzle slowly begin to fall into place. Jesus kingdom was not like this world’s kingdoms, but it was wholly other. Based on love’s power, not wealths political manipulative power and control. Not on pomp and ceremony but on humility and compassion. Not based on the strongest, but the weakest. On the very things the world thinks are folly. Jesus kingdom was in fact, unfathomable to the ways of the world. They did not and could not ever understand it.
Often he asked for the strength to face his crucifixion. But he felt nothing. And he couldn’t even think about it without fear and trembling.
It took years for Peter to make the links. To work on his own fake nature. Which caused some open embarrassment for him. Especially when Paul challenged his cowardice and called him out. His attitude to the gentiles needed firm rebuke it was so unloving and judgmental. And he realised that being ‘part of the chosen,’ had given him an arrogance and attitude that most certainly needed repenting of. Especially when he saw that all were chosen! He realised that by saying he was chosen actually caused the scapegoating Jesus died to save him from.
Peter worked for years, preaching, encouraging, learning. Praying. Following. Opening up his heart to the Light of Jesus. He mourned the death of those who followed Jesus and the horror which followed the earthly church. Helping the church to form and grow. And making disciples of women and men who sort to follow the way.
Finally as an old man he was imprisoned. And told he would only be allowed out if he sacrificed to the Emperor. The guard was coming. To open his cell his door. The choice was here. He knew the guard was going to ask him to give his yes or his no. He came out of his reverie. It was nearly time. He must sacrifice or die. Save his life or………he heard the words run through his mind as if Jesus had just said them, ‘Get behind me Satan!’ And this time it hit him. That is what Jesus meant! ‘Get behind me Satan!’ By trying to persuade Jesus not to go to Jerusalem, Peter was coming between Jesus and his cross! Between Jesus and his death!
Satans work was to come between a person and their cross! Trying to stop Jesus suffering was human reasoning! Trying to work it out himself, and not Gods way! Not trust but control. The rock was not about him! It never had been! It was about Jesus! The words Peter had uttered! ‘You are the Christ, Son of God.’ They were the rock on which the church was founded. It was all, all, all about Jesus.
Peter felt tears trickle down his withered cheeks, and he fell on his knees. ‘Oh Master!’ He wept. ‘Thankyou.’ His fear was gone, and he felt a peace he did not understand. By making peace with his suffering. And not fighting it, choosing instead to lay down his own life, he found and followed the path of his Master.
exquisitelyeco 